No Place is Home
Lh
My parents always told me they found me in a garbage can cuz I never really fit right. I think my family wanted me to feel like that because I was rewarded when I rejected others and acted like an outsider. Anytime I screwed up, had a different opinion, didn't follow all the rules right, I was told I was no longer a part of the family. So I spent much of my time trying to fit back in.
I always feel like I'm missing something. The so-called "normal" things people do were not done in my family. They never talked to me about brushing my hair, my teeth, looking clean. My family never gave a shit if those things were done. In my head each morning I still go over it all, like a check list. "I ate, I'm dressed, my hair is fixed, the animals are fed, etc."
It was others who told me I am supposed to care about those things. It didn't come naturally; I had to think about it. I still listen when others talk about things they do and I think, "Am I supposed to be doing that too?" More to add on my check list. More things that keep me separate from others. More things to make me feel like I don't belong.
Those little things you learn as a kid in school somehow passed me right by. I was focusing too damn much on staying alive, trying to fit in with my own family, that I missed out on all that normal stuff.
I feel like I have spent my life using all my energy trying to belong and be accepted, whether it be by my family, friends, society, or something, but never feeling like I achieved it. I struggle constantly with wanting to fit in, to belong somewhere, to have what is in my head make sense. I struggle with who I want to be with. I want to be loved and accepted by my family and I want to be loved and accepted by my friends, but my family doesn't allow friends and my friends reject my family. The world is too confusing.
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